Here’s a look at some important dates coming this season for the Boston Red Sox:
February 18 — Spring Training Begins
February 19 — Pablo Sandoval reports to camp. He stands on a scale and half the TVs in Boston explode.
February 23 — Hanley Ramirez makes his first error at first base. The Earth spins off its rotation, crashes into the moon, and then through dumb luck, ricochets right back into a perfect orbit around the sun. Ramirez laughs, walk over to first, and grabs the runner’s jersey in order to hold him on. This is going to go great!
February 29 — It comes out that Blake Swihart really does use batting gloves, they’re just white-person-skin colored.
March 2 — Asked how he plans to avoid injury this season, Clay Buchholz says “Ouch my larynx!” and misses his next start.
March 3 — David Ortiz makes a comment about not hating the Yankees. The other half of Boston’s TVs explode.
March 5 — The Red Sox face the Yankees for the first time in Spring Training. And by “the Red Sox” I mean Dustin Pedroia, Ryan Hanigan, and 23 greeters from Wal-Mart. The Yankees start Jacoby Ellsbury and Carlos Beltran. The remaining positions are manned by vowels plucked from Mark Teixeira’s name.
March 12 — Bryce Brent is sent down to Triple-A camp earlier than expected after accidentally clubbing himself with a mace.
March 18 — The Red Sox play a split-squad double header against the Rays and Twins. Many fans get sunburned. You are not one of them.
March 31 — The Red Sox lock up the Mayor’s Cup. Literally. “Hey! Where the hell did you guys hide the Mayor’s Cup?” yell the Twins.
April 1 — John Farrell announces Joe Kelly will be the opening day starter.
April 1 (five minutes later) — “John Farrell” pulls off his mask revealing himself to be Joe Kelly. April fools!
April 1 – The Red Sox play the first of two games in Montreal against the Blue Jays. It is thought that David Price is being booed until it’s revealed that, no, that’s just how french people cheer.
April 2 — Following the second game, Bud Selig proclaims the series, “a great success” but before he can expound on the point he’s taken to the ground by Rob Manfred.
April 4 — MLB Opening Day: the Red Sox are in Cleveland where, somewhere, under three feet of snow, there is a baseball game that is cancelled.
April 6 — Mookie Betts [does fantastic thing]!
April 8 — The Red Sox become the first opposing team to enjoy Toronto’s new dirt infield. As it turns out, dirt, when placed on top of five feet of concrete, isn’t very soft! David Price returns to Toronto and out-pitches Marcus Stroman in a Red Sox win. Blue Jays fans overpay their cable bills on time in protest.
April 10 — David Ortiz hits his first home run of the season. It is good.
April 15 – Jackie Robinson Day. The Red Sox all wear Mariano Rivera’s number to celebrate.
April 28 — Clay Buchholz pitches a perfect game! He then hurts his shoulder lifting a post-game beer and misses his next start.
May 3 — Craig Kimbrel’s strikeout rates have dropped from ARE YOU KIDDING ME to OH MY GOSH. It’s admittedly a small drop, but nerds all over Red Sox nation are up half the night trying to figure out it’s significance.
May 6 — Rick Porcello forgets he’s a ground ball pitcher.
May 17 — Mookie Betts [does amazing thing]!
May 31 — David Price gives up two runs over seven innings in a Red Sox loss, so now is not a good time to turn on local sports radio to play the David Price Contract Drinking Game.
June 7 — Mookie Betts [does stupefying thing]!
June 9-11 — First-Year Player Draft: The Red Sox select 12th and take a player we’re very excited about and have never heard of.
June 12 — David Ortiz plays his last game in Minnesota. The Twins spend the entire game kicking dirt clods around and sheepishly staring at their toes.
June 15 — Rick Porcello passes out on the mound. It later comes to light that Porcello had forgotten to eat for the last week.
June 17 — Jackie Bradley sprains something. The Red Sox recall Bryce Brentz.
June 18 — Brentz accidentally runs himself over with a Sherman Tank. Asked about it, Brentz replied, “Darn it! I could SWEAR I put the parking break on.”
June 24 – Hitting .330/.370/.410, Xander Bogaerts decides he needs to hit for more power.
June 25 — Xander Bogaerts hits two homers and a double.
July 10 — Futures Game, Petco Park, San Diego: Rafeal Devers hits three homers, including two in the same at-bat when the ball travels all the way around the earth and goes over the outfield wall a second time.
July 11 – Home Run Derby, Petco Park, San Diego: Brock Holt hits only one homer and doesn’t make it out of the first round, but he does manage to do an adequate job of shagging fly balls, selling souvenirs in section 302, and operating the jumbo-tron.
July 12 — 87th All-Star Game, Petco Park, San Diego: Dustin Pedroia and David Ortiz both make the All Star game. Ortiz puts on a show, including hitting a ball over the center field fence with Pedroia riding on it like Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove. The AL wins home field advantage in the World Series.
July 13 — Brock Holt’s new book comes out. He wrote it, illustrated it, edited it, and published it himself. It’s just okay.
July 14 — Xander Bogaerts decides he should learn to read ancient Chinese.
July 15 — Bogaerts translates three ancient Chinese texts that scholars have been attempting to make sense of for centuries.
July 16 — Mookie Betts [does amazing thing]!
July 17 — Kimbrel hurts his back by remaining in the stretch position for three hours when, while getting the sign from the catcher, a parrot flew in and landed on his shoulder. It’s Koji time! [high five]
July 18 — Jackie Bradley starts hitting.
July 18-30 — Jackie Bradley hits 28 homers.
July 31 — Jackie Bradley stops hitting.
July 31 — Non-waiver trade deadline: Dave Dombrowski trades Yoan Moncada, Rafael Devers, and Michael Kopech for Fernando Rodney. Twitter attempts to justify it.
August 1 — After several bad errors, Hanley Ramirez trots out to first base dressed as an ice hockey goalie. Unfortunately his skates get stuck in the dirt leading to two more errors, though on the bright side his blocking of throws from his fellow infielders does improve.
August 2 — Rick Porcello forgets he is a person, puts fish bowl on his head and tries to breathe water. Fenway collectively reminds him by shouting all together, “Rick! You’re a ground ball pitcher, not a fish!” “Thanks,” says Rick.
August 4 — Mookie Betts [does ridiculously awesome thing]!
August 5 — Xander Bogaerts decides to cure cancer.
August 6 — Xander Bogaerts creates easy-to-use, environmentally friendly single-person flying machines by accident. Oh well. He’s hasn’t even reached his arbitration years yet.
August 12 — Steven Wright teaches David Price his knuckleball. In return, Price teaches Wright how to win the Cy Young award.
August 14 — Brandon Workman returns from Tommy John surgery and pitches the eighth inning in a game against the Diamondbacks. Even though he’s due to bat the next inning John Farrell leaves him in for old time’s sake.
August 17 — The Red Sox release Fernando Rodney.
August 28 — We all remember Rusney Castillo!
August 29 — We all forget Rusney Castillo!
September 1 — Active rosters expand to 40 players. The Red Sox call up Andrew Benintendi, and Bryce Brentz.
September 2 — Brentz accidentally loses all his toes in a guillotine accident. Asked about it, Brentz was quoted as saying, “Dammit, I can’t BELIEVE I did that.”
September 3 — The Red Sox send Brentz back to Triple-A. However, his toes are allowed to remain with the major league squad.
September 5 — Benintendi hits his first major league homer. Brentz’s left baby toe accidentally blows itself up with a World War One-era grenade.
September 29 — David Ortiz plays his last game in Yankees Stadium. The Yankees give him a free two week stay at a resort in Australia. The only catch is his flight leaves immediately.
October 2 — Regular season ends against Toronto, the same team it started against. Joe Kelly pitches four innings giving up five runs. He wins the Clyde Young Award. Close enough!
Photo by Steve Mitchell/USA Today Sports Images
Where’s Part 2? This only takes us through the regular season.